


Puzzle pieces

by lili12004



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Wings, Angst, Anxiety, Awesome Charlie, Bad Parent John Winchester, Because Sammy's his weak spot, But just for Sam tho, Castiel & Charlie Bradbury Friendship, Castiel Wants Dean Winchester to be Happy, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel in the Bunker, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester Friendship, Charlie Bradbury Lives, Charlie approving of Sam Winchester/Lucifer, Dean Winchester Being Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Deserves to be Happy, Dean Winchester definitely not approving, Dean Winchester trying to work on himself, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Late Night Conversations, Love, Love Confessions, Luci being sweet, Lucifer (Supernatural) Not Being an Asshole, Lucifer (Supernatural) in the Cage, Lucifer Being Lucifer (Supernatural), M/M, Nightmares, POV Dean Winchester, Sad, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sensitive Lucifer (Supernatural), Slow Build, Slow Burn, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 20:32:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15714573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lili12004/pseuds/lili12004
Summary: Dean is having a hard time dealing with his feelings and the way he grew up. Cas really wants Dean to be happy and he will do anything to help Dean.There will be a lot of dark stuff in the beginning so if that might trigger you-please don´t  read. This might be a slow burn but still there is going to be a little fluff in the second or third chapter- we will see!





	1. I don`t deserve you.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic ever... I`ve only been learning english for 4 years so I`m apologizing in advantage for any spelling or grammatic mistakes. Comments and kudos are appreciated <3 Have fun reading.

Dean Winchester had a tough time growing up. He lived a life of being not good enough, not good enough to protect his brother, not good enough to fight properly, not good enough to be a good hunter and not good enough to be a good person.

The truth is Dean was a bright kid growing up. He always smiled and laughed even if everybody didn’t and Dean didn’t care about what the people thought about him. It just wasn’t important to him. He laughed whenever he felt like it. He was happy all the time and he felt like everything was perfect. He felt like he could own the world if he wanted to.

They were the perfect family and Dean had the strongest bond to his mother. They went ice eating every Sunday it kind of was like a ritual between them. Mary always told him how much she loved him and that nothing will change that. She laid with him in bed whenever Dean had a nightmare and sang his favorite lullaby for him until he was asleep. But Dean’s favorite thing to do was to look up in the sky and just watch the stars every evening with her.

He found such peace in it. The beautiful constellations which Mary always explained to him and the perfect blue that was surrounding the stars made him feel so small. Everything was possible.

He had what others would call a “dream live” until the fire started and he lost his mother. From that day on his whole life changed. 

Suddenly he had to learn how to fight, how to hunt and most important he had to learn how to take care of Sammy. He had to cook for his brother when he didn’t even know how to cook. Suddenly he was the one singing lullabies and not his mother. When Dean woke up from a nightmare John had told him to “man up” and that only babies cry.

Dean had a hard time dealing with the loss of his mother because she was his world. But whenever Dean started to grief or to cry his father had told him that there was no time for being sorry, he had better things to do like watch out for Sammy while he was gone for weeks.

Dean had to get food from somewhere because John never left them any money. So Dean started stealing money and food. He had to grow up at the age of 5 and he had to learn how to look out for himself and Sammy. Dean learned his most important rule in that time period: Always watch out for Sammy! 

And he did his best to never break the rule. But as he grew older he started to feel empty inside. He learned how to shove his feelings aside so that there would be nobody to ever see his emotions. So he stuffed them in a box and sealed it.

He always wanted to make his father proud because after his mom died he had to make someone proud so he always tried to make everything perfect. He was the perfect soldier, the perfect brother, the perfect son and the perfect hunter but as the years passed by he forgot to be one thing: happy.

He was never truly happy except in his early years with his mom. He always had to live up to somebodies expectations. There was always somebody who relied on him, somebody who needed him. He wanted to make his father proud so badly that he totally lost himself on the way. He wasn’t the bright, always smiling kid anymore. He wasn’t Dean anymore, the real Dean. 

Dean started becoming a shadow of himself. Somebody who only functioned but never lived. And the saddest part about it was that nobody even seemed to notice. Nobody noticed his forced smiles or his fake laughs. It was almost as if nobody even cared. It was like nobody wanted to know how he was doing.

He felt alone, broken, stupid, ugly and worthless. It was like he was losing the air to breathe. Every day he tried to convince himself that he was ok and that he didn’t need any help. Because he was Dean Winchester, he faced the apocalypse so he could also face his own damn feelings.

But the truth is he actually couldn’t. All he felt was broken. Like a broken toy that just wouldn’t function.Inside his head he kept hearing his father’s voice in replay “You’re not worth it. You’ll never be good enough. You are nothing more than a stupid girl trying to get over her first crush. Hunters don’t feel. They don’t let themselves care. You have to be strong to do the job. You aren’t strong enough.”

He always felt the need to just end it all but he knew how selfish that would be. He had to keep fighting, for Sammy. He would be a coward if he would just end it. So he didn’t and he tried to keep fighting, he really did. But sometimes he just lost the hope. He felt like he couldn’t keep fighting anymore, like he was not strong enough. The nights were the worst. He stared at the ceiling, thinking about his mother. He wondered what life he would be living if she was still there. And when those thoughts started he couldn’t stop them. Where would he be if the supernatural didn’t exist? Would he have a wife or kids? Would he be happy? And that’s when he started to drink.

He tried to drown his feelings in whiskey or scotch. He sometimes drank until he couldn’t feel a damn thing. He liked feeling that way. But of course he had to wake up in the morning and face his feelings again. Every day he had to keep fighting. Every single day he had to pretend like nothing was wrong. And he was actually pretty good at it. Nobody seemed to notice the way he felt. 

Except for one person and no that person wasn't Sam like everybody would be expecting. It was Cas who always kept asking questions and sometimes Dean felt like Cas could see right through him. The hardest thing was convincing him that he was OK. However he was always so close to telling him the truth. He wanted to tell him everything.

About the way he felt. The sadness inside of him, the emptiness and the loneliness, about the way he felt at night. And sometimes he just felt the need to kiss him and to just stop talking about his feelings because he was always better with actions than with words. 

He knew that it was wrong to want things like that. He knew it for Chuck’s sake but still. He was done with denying his feelings. He wanted Cas to be more than just his best friend. He wanted him to be someone he could curl up with in bed, someone who wouldn’t judge him, someone to kiss, someone to laugh with, someone who would make the sad times happy times, someone to love. "Wait, what? No not to love… to… what exactly? For fucks sake Winchester get your shit together. You don’t want somebody to love.

Everybody who you let close to yourself gets hurt. Cas deserves somebody without so many mistakes like you have. He deserves the whole world. Cas is too good for this fucked up world. He should get all the happiness he deserves." There it was again his father’s voice in his head “You don’t deserve anyone.”

His father was right, he didn’t. He didn’t deserve anything. He was just a hunter trying to get his shit together. 

Cas would never feel the same way anyways so why bother telling him, right? He wasn’t worthy of the love he desired. He was fucked up in every single way possible. Why would somebody ever love him? He couldn’t even sleep without waking up, covered in sweat from another nightmare.

However sometimes he thought that maybe, just maybe that there was a possibility that Cas felt the same way. It were the small things that made him think that way. The way his gaze lingered on his lips a little bit too long or the way their eyes met and they stared into each other’s eyes for a little bit too long. But maybe he was just imagining things. He would never feel the same way. Not ever. But still there was a little spark of hope left inside of Dean’s heart.


	2. One of those nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries to escape his thoughts for a little while. Cas finds him and tells him how important he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the second chapter. I hope you will like it, please leave your opinions in the comment section down below. I still don't have a beta and my english still isn't the best. Apologies! Have fun reading <3

It was one of the lonely nights. Dean lay in bed, staring at the ceiling…again. He was thinking about his childhood and how he used to be happy. Which was, by the way one of the most painful things to do; remembering how happy he used to be. How colorful his world used to be. For Dean everybody was good back then. He liked being around people and laughing with them, especially laughing with his mom. Those memories were the worst.

He thought about the pain he was feeling every time he laughed because he knew how fake it was. He knew he shouldn’t be pretending. He knew it for Chucks’ sake but he just couldn’t help it. He knew that the people would never, ever understand his problems. 

They would never understand the sadness that lived inside of him. Even Dean didn’t get it sometimes. His mom died what? ... 40 years ago. He shouldn’t be grieving about her that much anymore. Of course it was okay to miss her sometimes. But not in the way that Dean missed her. It was like he lost his sun. 

And it would be okay if he didn’t keep losing the people he loved the most. But he still had his brother and Cas. Sam was always the perfect little brother: caring, smart, loving and protective. Sure they had their ups and downs but what kind of siblings don’t have those from time to time. But all in all they had a really good relationship.

And Cas… he was just Cas. The overprotective, stubborn, wise, beautiful, incredibly smart, caring, perfect Cas. The way his eyes sparkled whenever he was exited. The cute little frown on his face whenever somebody said something he didn’t understand. Or just the way his perfect body moves when he’s fighting or the badass look he has on his face while doing so. 

So Dean had a pretty decent life. He had a family and a home. Sure he had been through a lot of shit in his past. But still he wasn’t supposed to feel that depressed. A little bit here and there was normal if you were a hunter but not in the way Dean was feeling it.

Those thoughts were flying through his mind for a couple of hours until 2.30. That’s when suddenly Dean felt like the room was getting too small to breathe. The walls started to get closer and he felt like he was going to be crushed. He needed to get out of his room. Fast. He almost ran outside of the bunker. He tried to get out as fast as possible. Once he closed the heavy metal door behind himself he needed five minutes to calm his nerves.

He rested his head against the cooling metal and just closed his eyes and inhaled the fresh air. The air helped him to calm down. He wanted to watch the stars so badly, to remember what his mother had always told him about the stars, he went to a field behind the bunker. The grass was a little bit wet but that was okay for Dean. It actually felt kind of nice to just sit on the ground and watch the stars.

That routine always helped him to calm down after one if his many panic attacks. He sat there and watched the stars for what felt like an eternity. He always liked this little field. It was surrounded by a lot of trees and bushes. The grass was a little bit longer then it would normally be. Who even takes care of a field? Dean asked himself. Never mind he didn’t need to know. What counted for him was that he felt calm out here. He could spot some beautiful tulips at the end of the field and he even heard the sound of some owls. 

He always felt kind of connected to his mother when he was out here, watching the stars. He was sure that she was watching over him and he really hoped that she wasn’t with him in the lonely nights. Because that was humiliating and he never wanted his mother to see something like that. In fact, he never wanted anybody to see him in that state.

But of course Dean Winchester never gets what he wants because in that very second he heard a flutter of wings and the ruffle of a trench coat behind him. Dean turned his head around only to see Cas’ eyes piercing right through him. They locked eyes and just stared at each other. Dean saw so much understanding in Cas’ eyes. It was like Cas was the only person who understood and accepted him without trying to change him. He sat down next to Dean without saying anything.

It was a comfortable silence; Dean wished that they had more moments like that. Calm moments without thinking about what crisis might be next door-waiting for them-moments where they were just enjoying each other’s company.

“What are you doing out here?” Dean asked after a couple of minutes, breaking the silence.  
“You prayed to me.”  
“What?” Dean definitely didn’t pray to Cas he would have known if he did so, right?  
“You sounded desperate. Are you okay?”  
“Course I am Cas. Why you askin’?  
“Because you are sitting on a field behind the bunker at 3 am, watching the stars.” Cas answered, sounding a little bit worried.  
“Right… I am perfectly fine. I promise.”  
“It doesn’t look like that to me. To be honest, your prayer really sounded like a scream for help.”  
“I just… Can we not talk about that right now? I really am not in the mood for that.”  
“You never are Dean. One day you have to talk with somebody about what you are feeling because if you don’t do that you’re going to break under the weight of it. I know how hard it is for you to talk about the things that you feel or the thoughts that are going through your head at night. I know that, I really do. I just want you to know that you deserve the world. I don’t care about how long it will take you to finally accept that but whenever you do, just remember that I’m here to talk if you ever feel the need to.”

Dean just listened. He listened the whole time and he really felt the need to punch Cas for being so perfect and for knowing him so well. But if Dean would ever tell Cas about the way he felt at night he would have to face the consequences. He would have to face that he wasn’t “fine” like he always said he was. He would have to face his true feelings and he just wasn’t ready for that.

So he did that one thing he was best at, lying. He lied to his best friend who was just trying to help him. 

So Dean answered, his voice quaking: ”I’m fine.”  
“Of course you are. You always are.” Dean could hear the disappointment in Cas’ voice and it made his heart ache. “Just remember that I will always be here for you.”  
Of course I know that, I always knew that.  
“Thank you. For everything.” Dean answered instead.  
“Always. I’m going to stay with you for a while, if that is okay.”  
“Please.”

Dean and Cas watched the sunrise together and Dean knew how “chick-flick” that was but he couldn’t care less. He needed the company at that moment; he could go back to pretending the next morning. He was just grateful for Cas’ company.


	3. So different but so similar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is a very different chapter. I thought that I could maybe try this kind of writing. It is also a very short chapter. I'm sorry.. Love y'all <3

Love. 

A word that everybody associates with something else. Some people think of love as the greatest gift God ever created. They think that loving somebody or being loved by somebody else is a gift. They think that life would be worthless without the person they love at their side, they grave being with someone. The most people that feel that way find a person that feels the exact same way.

Then there’s the other kind of person. The people who fear love. They are afraid of getting hurt or hurting somebody else. They don’t want another person in their life. They want to be left alone because they are afraid that love might ruin them. They build a wall around themselves and nobody is allowed to climb that wall.

Now imagine: There are two people. One is convinced that love is one of the reasons he lives, love is something beautiful to that person. The other one fears love and is afraid that by loving that certain person, he might crush the life that the other one has built.

Those two people love each other with a love that the world hasn’t seen before, a love that is passionate, loving, respecting, messed up in some ways but most importantly these two people would give their live for one another. They would die for each other without even considering.

Two people that are so different but so similar in the same way, two people that think of the word love in two completely different ways. These two people have faced more crises than every married couple has. They fought, lived, survived, laughed, cried, sang, and danced but the most important thing is that they have loved each other through everything of that. They have loved each other for over 8 years now.

They were meant for each other. God created them like two pieces of a puzzle, perfectly fitting, so different but so similar. Without ever speaking about it everybody knows it, it is so obvious that they love each other. Even a blind person couldn’t miss the tension between them.

Now, I’ve got one final question for you: How come these two people won’t accept how happy they could be together?  
Well, that is a question that I can’t answer for you. That is a question even Chuck couldn’t answer if he wanted to. The universe doesn’t have an answer for that certain question.

But I can tell you this: Everybody who fits so perfectly with somebody else is going to end up with his other half. Somebody is always going to ensure it.


	4. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still a really short chapter. I haven't been feeling really good lately, it's hard to get up in the morning. But I'll get through it, as always. Anyways, enjoy this chapter my loves <3

We grow up in a world in which we are made to believe, that everything is just sunshine and rainbows. However, when we grow up, we are faced with the real world. We live in this sad, doomed, little world where everybody and everything must be perfect.

Living in that world feels like a curse to some people. Some of us are trying to find their way, their destiny. 

Everybody tries to be perfect, the perfect family, the perfect body, the perfect face, the perfect character. We are lying to the world and to ourselves if we really believe that there is such a thing as perfection. We are everything else than perfect.

Everybody has their flaws and insecurities. We wish they weren’t there, but they are and there’s nothing we can do to make them go away. 

We must accept them, and we must work on them. The only way to be truly happy is to live with our imperfections and our past. 

For some people that’s easy, for others it’s one of the hardest things to do. Trying and never giving up. That’s the key to archiving everything. 

Now all that Cas had to do was to make Dean believe that. Which was easier said than done because Dean was, as Cas once put it, one of the most stubborn human beings to ever exist.


End file.
